Zen 72: The first nation of ice hockey, we salute you...

Just finished watching the full-bore, no-quarter-given Olympic men's ice hockey final, which Canada won with a golden goal in extra time, beating the Americans 3-2. I like ice hockey for its combination of deft skill and hardcore violence. It's a rugged sport played by rugged blokes, but maybe there's something softer going on beneath the surface if the following exchange between the BBC's ice hockey commentators, Brit Bob Ballard and Canadian Brent Pope is anything to go by:

Brent: "I was just thinking how I would headline this if USA won. I was thinking of 'Miracle on Ice 2'."
Bob: "Yes indeed."
Brent: "Then I guess for Canada it would be 'Brokeback Mountain 2'."
[LONG SILENCE]
Bob: "Errr, I'm not quite sure where you're going with that one."
[LONG SILENCE]
Brent: "Because, errr, losing this game would break Canadian hearts..."
Bob: "Yes?"
Brent: "... and ... backs?"
[LONG SILENCE]
Bob: "Great scenes. Back to the studio now..."

Zen 71: Wank in the air (pictured)

There's an Olympic ski jumper from Germany called Andreas Wank.

Suddenly all the BBC commentators have taken the Germanic 'V' pronunciation. I suspect this for the same reason science correspondents adopt a tortured pronunciation of Uranus.

Imagine a time in the far-flung future, when the great-great-great grandson of an Olympic ski jumper becomes the first man to set foot on one of the furthest flung bodies in our solar system.

A Wank on Uranus. That'll definitely make YouTube.

Word of the Day: Fourth Wall

(Noun) 1. According to Wikipedia, The fourth wall refers to the imaginary 'wall' at the front of the stage in a traditional three-walled proscenium-style theatre. The wall is actually the absence of wall through which the audience watches the action.

(Noun) 2. An interjection used to critique any piece of film or theatre that, irrespective of its actual substance, sounds really impressive and so much gives the impression that the interjector knows what he or she is talking about that everyone else shuts up for fear of appearing hopelessly passé.

Usage: "3D movies will never gain widespread acceptance. It's because they break the fourth wall."

OR

Supporter: "Referee! Offside!"
Referee: "Actually, I think you'll find the scrum-half was demonstrably within the fourth wall."
Supporter: [Silence]

Source: Pintoo and Wikipedia

Zen 70: Check out the paddies...

Not an antiquated reference to our cousins on the little island, but a statement of shock and awe at the creative genius of our Japanese comrades, who have been turning their hand to creating traditional Japanese vistas and character portraits, entirely through the medium of growing rice in paddy fields. (With thanks to Craig Christ for putting me onto this one.)

This is not - repeat not - a cheeky Photoshop job, but the genuine article.

For more paddy art go to: http://www.hemmy.net/2007/09/23/rice-field-art/[LINK]

Word of the Day 19: wet hand

(Noun) 1. An exciting and tantalising offer that no matter how hard you try is destined to slip from your grasp, in the manner of an ill-fated character in a cliffhanger.

2. A tantalising offer made by someone who has no intention of ever coming good on it, leaving you clinging on in the manner of an ill-fated character in a cliffhanger.

Usage

1. "I'm on a promise," said Jeff, "but I have to find someone to take her fat friend home first. That's a wet hand if ever I saw one."

2. "I suspect that charming Nigerian gentleman asking to deposit £60 million dollars of Joseph Mobutu's private funds into my bank account is offering me a wet hand."

Source
A word was needed, so I made one up.

Zen 69: Jesus, what a week...

Apologies to those who take the time to read this stuff. It's been a hectic week and the content has been somewhere been indifferent and lame. So here's a couple of Stephen Lynch songs to pick things up a bit, because when your own stuff is shit, YouTube lets you bathe in the reflected glory of someone else's splendour.



And here's one I think about whenever I go to the movies with Harvey and Craig Christ. Or do anything with Uzi. Seriously.

Zen 68: Tom's Sex Change

People really don't think about their URLs. Take this one. What's the first thing you see? Thomas Exchange, or does the word SEX CHANGE leap out at you like a rabid lion scenting blood?

It's sex change of course, but that's probably because I just primed you to see it. But then you'd have seen it anyway. Or maybe not. Maybe it's me. Whatever.

Here are some other funny(ish) - and genuine - URLs:

whorepresents.com - celebrity agent finder
therapistfinder.com - find a therapist
gotahoe.com - go to Lake Tahoe!

And here are the bogus ones, as seen on QI:

penisland.com - not an online pen shop, but is now a gay porn site
powergenitalia.com - Powergen doesn't trade as Powergen in Italy
speedofart.com - now belongs to some bloke who is not an artist
expertsexchange.com - no experts, or exchanges
www.ipanywhere.com - not an IP, not here or anywhere

Zen 67: I did not know...

...that Pakistan is a portmanteau name (a fancy acronym) for the five Northern Units of the British Raj — Punjab, Afghania, Kashmir, Sindh and Balochistan. It also, handily, means 'land of the pure' in Urdu and Farsi. Some 'Greater Pakistan' types say the 'I' in Pakistan stands for 'Iran' but that's just crap.

Another peculiar name is East Timor. Timor meaning 'East'. So it's actually called East East. A bit like 'PIN number'. But for a country.

These are the two things I learned today.

Zen 66: Lucky numbers

I've just discovered that there is a proper mathematical definition for a lucky number. It's any number in a sequence determined by a formula called a 'sieve'. It works like this:

Take a normal natural number sequence from 1 to whatever, i.e.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 ...etc

You keep the first number (1) and remove every second number after it (all the evens):

1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19, 21, 23, 25, 27, 29, 31, 33, 35, 37, 39, 41 ...etc

Then you keep the second number, which is 3, and remove every third number, i.e.

1, 3, 7, 9, 13, 15, 19, 21, 25, 27, 31, 33, 37, 39 ...etc

You keep the third number, which is 7, and remove every seventh number, i.e.

1, 3, 7, 9, 13, 15, 21, 25, 31, 33, 35, 37...etc

Then you keep the fourth number (9) and so on, ad infinitum, i.e.

1, 3, 7, 9, 13, 15, 21, 25, 31, 33, 37, 43, 49, 51, 63, 67, 69, 73, 75, 79, 87, 93, 99 ...etc.

The numbers that are left are called 'lucky numbers'. Although, what use they are to anyone remains a mystery.

Zen 65: Smile you bastards, smile

Notice spotted at the ticket inspector's booth at Richmond Station. This, apparently, is the advanced module of the customer service course.

"Hello, how are you today? Smile..."

Zen 64: WTF?!?!? With a side order of 'No, really, WTF?!?!?' to go

Hamas, the Islamist power in Gaza, have a kids' show called 'Pioneers of Tomorrow'. The purpose of the show seems to be to entrench unthinking hatred and groom martyrs to carry on the war against the "evil Zionist filth".

The persistent themes of Pioneers are betrayal, vengeance, torture, suicide bombings and other 'cult of death' fascistic totems. But it isn't all doom and gloom, because this is a kids' show after all.

The host is a 13-year-old girl who answers phoned-in questions from viewers with robotic adherence to Hamas doctrine, politely warning her viewers not to use words like 'surrender' or 'friendship' when talking about Jews. She is a little rock of certainty in an uncertain world.

By contrast, the star of the show is replaced with a cavalier regularity rivaled only by Spooks. It is invariably an adult in some sort of bargain basement creature suit, and presumably always the same adult given the annoying squeaky falsetto that never varies from incarnation to incarnation.

They started out with Farfour, a lofty Mickey Mouse rip-off who is beaten to death in an Israeli prison after asserting his land rights. You actually hear him being beaten to death, which is a lovely touch for the toddlers. He was followed by a bumble bee called Nahoul, who dies of a preventable illness after the Jews withhold his medicine. CPR on a giant bee has never been so movingly rendered.

Nahoul's successor is Assud, a giant rabbit. In a rather brilliant exchange, one young caller to the phone-in asks: "Assud means 'lion', so why are you dressed as a rabbit?", prompting a hasty explanation about rabbits being cowards, so he called himself 'lion' because he wants to eat up Zionists.

Anyway, here's a clip. It really beggars belief, and there's plenty more on YouTube that will beggar enough belief to sell a boatload of Big Issues. If that's not working the beggar metaphor too hard...

Zen 63: When a language dies out...

... what's the etiquette? Do you send flowers? And if so, who to? The last speaker of the very ancient Bo language, spoken only in the Andaman Islands, has just died, taking her language to the grave.

Solemn faces all round. Obits have been penned bemoaning the snuffing out of this neolithic gem (the language, not the lady). Anthropologist Professor Anvita Abbi said that India had lost "an irreplaceable part of its heritage", while according to Survival International "... a unique part of human society is now just a memory."

Glum photographs of Boa Sr, the 85-year-old 'last speaker' who has just passed on, adorn every rolling news website from here to Nicobar. Clearly something important to us as human beings has vanished forever, cast by the wayside as an uncaring world marches relentlessly on. It is a "major cause for concern".

But is it? Isn't it more an indication that we as a species have finely honed instincts for the things that have outlived their serviceable lives? Isn't the right response to view Bo as the linguistic equivalent of the Giant Panda?

As naturalist Chris Packham put it, "of its own accord [it] has gone down an evolutionary cul-de-sac. It's not a strong species ... I reckon we should pull the plug. Let [it] go, with a degree of dignity." Quite.

Zen 62: First descent

This is worth a look, although sadly can't be embedded so you'll have to follow the link.

YouTube: Terje's First Descent [LINK]

Norwegian snowboarder Terje Haakonsen rides a virgin 7,000ft mountain in Alaska, where "it has to be sixty degrees just to get on the chute". This guy is either insane, or he has room in his snowpants for a pair of monster balls. Maybe both.

As his radical dude camera buddy puts it: "Oh my god. He is todally hauling ass." Indeed. Observe the ass hauling. It's jaaaaaaaacked.

Zen 61: Kick in the crutch part deux

Following on from my earlier post re: the experience of travelling to work on public transport while on crutches, the good people of London and Surrey excelled themselves today and I was offered a seat no less than 8 times. I naturally declined because I am dead hard.

In fact, at one point I was ushered all the way from the front of the No 72 bus to the seats at the rear by a loudly dressed and just generally loud West Indian gentleman. As he shoved other commuters aside with blithe abandon, he directed me to my seat and laughing (loudly) said, "Come up here, man, this is where aaaaaaall the cripples are sitting!", by which he meant two other sheepish looking people on crutches.

Zen 60: But seriously, how much?

A man who exchanged bogus degree certificates for spanking sessions has received a suspended prison sentence. His name is Karl Woodgett, which is a comedy surname that works on so many levels with a story like this. In it needs is an element of sexual dysfunction and you have the following genius headline/sub-editor's fantasy:

How much wood would a Woodgett get if a Woodgett could get wood?

Haythangyu.

Zen 59: Not suitable for children

My little boy has just been sent home from school with a new homework book. The book itself is innocently called 'Fun at the Beach'. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I reckon there's something dodgy going on with its sister titles...



Who is it?

Six in a bed

Floppy Floppy

A good trick

Getting up

The big box

Look out!

Zen 58: Kick in the crutch

Have just been to work on crutches*. Force of circumstance required me to take public transport. I have to do the same thing tomorrow. Here are the scores so far:

• Number of people offering a seat: Zero
• Number of impatient tuts from people behind me while dismounting from train: 3
• Number of people actually kicking one crutch away while barging past: 2
• Number of people striking bad knee with heavy object as they barged past: 2
• Number of bus drivers making no concession for the fact that someone on crutches has just boarded the bus (but is not yet seated) and accelerating away like they were being chased by the Devil himself: 1
• Number of people asking in a concerned manner if I had 'slipped on the ice': 1
• Number of friends and acquaintances who just pointed and laughed: 5
• Number of friends and acquaintances who laughed like they were going to haemorrhage when they found out I have just three weeks to recover before skiing: 5

* Bonus point if you can guess why I was on crutches (according to other people):

Is it because I am:

a) Too old to play rugby?
b) A 'fucking liability'
c) 'A twat'

Zen 57: iPad (not, apparently, a female sanitary product)

Have just noticed this bloke has a really peculiar hand. Perhaps even two of them.