Zen 1084: What the Bible *really* says about sex, rather than what right-wing Christian douchebags say it says

Looking at it objectively, it doesn't seem to be the smartest move to base your life on a book that was written even decades ago, let alone several millennia. Lord of the Rings is a fine tome, but is questing through Middle Earth with Elves something the thrusting 21st century neophyte should really be doing? Discuss.

The Song of Solomon: Well erotic

The central theme of the New and Old Testaments is "be good". The problem is that being good for most of human history has involved some pretty warped, time-and-locality specific morality, and the Bible, frankly, can be as warped as any other crumbly book written by beardy types whose life experience didn't extend much beyond the five mile radius of their shitty just-post-Bronze Age village. Credit where credit's due, the New Testament is a big step in the right direction, but even then I think we've moved on quite a way.

Not that this stops the Christian Right from thinking that the 'Good' Book (or rather the bits of the Good Book they chose to acknowledge) is some sort of arbiter of truth in a modern, pluralist society where the majority of people choose not to believe in that specific deity, if they believe in one at all. They also seem to be massively hung up about sex, which almost certainly says more about them than it does about the people they vilify. Does the thought of all that naughty, illicit sex give you some uncomfortable feelings, chaps? You know, down in the trouser department? Thought as much.

According to Fox News, the global mouthpiece of blinkered conservative stupidity, the Bible says that men and women are different and complement one another (Genesis 1:27-28); Love is more like a song than a maths equation (Song of Solomon); Marriage is for one man and one woman by God’s design (Genesis 2:24-25, Matthew 19:4); God created sex and designed our bodies for it (Genesis 2:24-25); Sex outside of marriage is a sin (I Corinthians 6:9-11,18-20, Hebrews 13:4); Sex is to be done in such a way that there is no shame (Genesis 2:25; Proverbs 5:18-23); and your standard of beauty is your spouse. (Genesis 2:23, Proverbs 6:20-35).

This is all true, inasmuch as it's in the book. But then it also has the bit about Jephthah sacrificing his virgin daughter to God. And Abraham having children with both his wife Sarah and his servant Hagar. And Jacob getting hitched to Rachel, then her sister Leah, then their servants Bilhah and Zilpah. And Naomi and Ruth devoting their love to one another 'until death'. And Lot offering up his virgin daughters (emphasis here on virgin) to save himself from a baying mob. And Deuteronomy condemning female adulterers to death. And the Song of Solomon being basically a very lengthy paean to unbridled eroticism and unmarried sex ("My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door and my body was moved for him."). And Ruth jumping Boaz out of wedlock. And Tamar getting jiggy with her father-in-law after posing as a hooker. And the condoning of marriage between very old men and very young girls; And anyone who thinks Jonathan and David weren't into each other in more than a manly, back-slapping, brothers-in-arms type way clearly isn't reading the same book.

The people spouting this phobic bullshit and seeking to control what consenting adults do in the bedroom are, generally speaking, very, very rich people. My advice to them is to quit the prurient curtain twitching and get their Luke on: "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

Or your Mark: "One thing you lack: go your way, sell whatever you have, and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me. And he was sad at that saying and went away grieved: for he had great possessions."

Or your Matthew: "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

God seems pretty clear on this point, ladies and gentlemen. Certainly a lot clearer than he is on the subject of shagging.