Monday

Zen 670: Faith No More do the Theme from Midnight Cowboy

In recognition of the passing of John Barry, here's Faith No More covering the Theme from Midnight Cowboy. Weirdly I'd forgotten how much I used to love Angel Dust (the album, not the substance) and may now have to buy it on iTunes (again, the album, not the substance, although I'll have a look-see if they do both).

Just this one track took me hurtling back to 1992, listening to it on a cassette walkman on a bus between Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. It was 45°C. In the ensuing weeks I was to learn that you can, technically, live off falafel; that you should never say you can get it cheaper in the Jewish quarter within earshot of a Palestinian; that swimming in the Dead Sea with open wounds isn't a good idea; that for Egyptians there is no concept of 'too loud'; and that you don't need seatbelts in Cairo because Allah will provide. I also learned which beer the chosen people choose.

Even so, before today I never knew John Barry wrote this.


Zen 669: Placard neatly summarises Egypt situation and solution









Saturday

Zen 667: Assuming your plans for Valentine's Day involve non-consensual sex...





Zen 666: Suicide bomber killed by 'Happy New Year' text from mobile phone service provider

Russian security services report that the 'black widow' bomber was blown up in her flat by the spam message, which she received while preparing to bomb New Year partygoers in Moscow.

Mobile phones are frequently used as detonators in terrorist bombs. Happily, she chose to connect hers a bit early, with the result that she ended up staying in and redecorating her flat rather than killing dozens of innocent civilians, according to the Daily Telegraph.

I will never look on my O2 service messages with the same malice again.


Friday

UPDATED: Zen 665: At last - Bollywood's answer to the Matrix, Terminator and Die Hard franchises, all rolled into one

UPDATE: I just found this review of the movie, which explains everything. Oh my god, it's too good. "The Robot is truly a spectacular, sensational, scintillating Southern sizzler..." I'm putting a pre-order down on iTunes now.



**************

ORIGINAL POST:

This is a nine-minute cut-down of what is apparently Bollywood's biggest budget movie to date. I believe the title translates as 'Robot'. This would seem to make sense, since the central character is an evil killer robot that his (good) creator has rather narcissistically built to look exactly like himself, immediately prior to losing complete control of it and triggering an orgy of bloodletting that makes Starship Troopers look like suitable family entertainment.

Again, I'm guessing here, but the good doctor/baddie robot is probably some major Bollywood name and the producers came up with this stunning wheeze to maximise his screen time. And then they really ramp up their investment by having him go all Agent Smith on your ass. Even better, he looks like the bastard love child of Michael Douglas and a skunk.

It's seriously mindboggling stuff. And I'm not even going to begin to guess what the dude on the voiceover is saying (in Russian!?!) but I get the feeling he really digs this movie. Enjoy.


Zen 664: Egypt pulls out of the Internet

Wired magazine said yesterday that tyranny is fuelling the protests in Egypt, not Twitter. It seems the Egyptian government doesn't entirely agree, since the country's major internet service providers (ISPs) have suddenly and completely severed all access to the wider web.
BGP withdrawals - click to enlarge

As renesys blog puts it: "...every Egyptian provider, every business, bank, Internet cafe, website, school, embassy, and government office that relied on the big four Egyptian ISPs for their Internet connectivity is now cut off from the rest of the world."

The graph (right) shows the simultaneous withdrawal of 3,500 border gateway protocol routes, which has in turn brought traffic with the outside world to a halt. This is unprecedented in the history of the Interweb, so it's going to be interesting to see how it plays out.

The only ISP unaffected, Noor Group (AS20928), also supplies web access to the Egyptian stock exchange. Even if everything else has to stop, you still need to keep the money flowing. Especially if you're Hosni Mubarak and might suddenly need to abscond with your illicit millions...

Zen 663: Seven abandoned breweries

There's a rising trend for breaking into abandoned buildings and taking photos of the always delapidated yet sometimes majestic interiors. In the US, this is given the unfortunate name of 'spelunking', which sounds like an illicit sexual activity somewhere between dogging and the dirty sanchez.

Nileguide has compiled a list of seven 'spelunked' breweries in Belgium, the American Midwest and Germany, in the process proving that when it comes to industrial architecture, the only thing more beautiful than a defunct brewery is one that actually works.

Apparently these are open for a bit of casual spelunking, if you happen to be nearby. But please remember to wash your hands and tip generously.

The abandoned Stella Artois brewery at Leuven, Belgium


Zen 662: Nuts swing for sexist pundits

Just in case the whole Sky Sports sexism furore has passed you by, here's a lightning summary: two witless, pie-eating, complacent morons who are paid lots of money to talk about kissball all day have lost their jobs after being recorded saying some stuff about women that was apparently lifted directly from the script of Ashes to Ashes season 1.

The world shrugs and continues turning.

I can't imagine being at a lower ebb. I mean, imagine having spent the last 20 years of your life talking about a collection of narcissistic knuckledraggers in shiny shorts punting a little ball around a big field like it actually matters.

No wait, I can imagine something worse. Being told you're too much of a reactionary low-brow Neanderthal even for a sport that is simply busting at the seems with world class examples of same.


And then, to complete the utter humiliation, you get Nuts, the skin mag for lads who can't reach the top shelf, taking the moral high ground.

Editor at large for Nuts, Peter Cashmore, has reacted badly to Richard Keys' suggestion that he had simply been indulging in 'lads mag' humour.

"We would never speak of 'smashing' a woman or referring to her as 'it', and welcome the presence of our sisters on the sidelines of football matches," he says.

"At Nuts (pictured) we do not seek to insult or denigrate women; instead, we celebrate them, their beauty, wit and intelligence..."

Oh the humanity.

Thursday

Zen 661: Pornographically awesome trailer for a type design company

Caution: It is likely that only Ben of the Shining Path, Craig Christ and the Social Handgrenade will get off on this, but it is lush.


Wednesday

Zen 660: The Scariest Damn Toy in the History of the World

I've just discovered the amazing British Pathe online archive. It's awesome and I have already lost the better part of an hour to it today, during which I discovered footage of the Scariest Damn Toy in the History of the World.

You can practically guarantee that any child who had this in their toy box and wasn't utterly terrified by it probably grew up to be a psychopathic killer. I can imagine it being Pol Pot's favourite bourgouis luxury as a nipper.


Zen 659: 'For the second year in a row, the U.S. military has lost more troops to suicide than it has to combat in Iraq and Afghanistan'

Wow.

According to Congress.org: "Overall, the services reported 434 suicides by personnel on active duty, significantly more than the 381 suicides by active-duty personnel reported in 2009. The 2010 total is below the 462 deaths in combat, excluding accidents and illness."

But there is significant under-reporting of suicides in some branches of the military, while some classes of reservists and veterans who have left the forces aren't counted at all. Even conservative estimates for these latter two categories throw the total well past the figure for 2010 combat deaths.

No analysis of the reasons is given, although it's safe to assume that the aftermath of 10 years of fighting ugly wars in nasty parts of the world is deadlier to US soldiers than actually being there.

Zen 658: This will eat your brain

Mmmm fractals.


Surface detail from subBlue on Vimeo.

Zen 657: It's the end of The World! No seriously, it is...

By which I mean the man-made archipelago of islands shaped liked countries of the world that sits off the coast of Dubai.

See what I did there?

All but one of the islands in this colossal white elephant remain uninhabited and many now resemble formless blobs rather than the intended proud nation states. The channels between them are silting up and development has ground to a halt following the property crash.

A spokesman for the development company, Nakheel, said: "Our periodical monitoring survey over the past three years didn't observe any substantial erosion that requires sand nourishment."

Oh no? Here's a pop quiz: can you tell which bit of the world is pictured?

I'll give you a clue. The one with palm trees on it is Greenland.

Zen 656: I am a tosser

The salad bar in Westfield is called Tossed. They are currently making their staff wear t-shirts with the legend "I am a tosser" emblazoned across the back.

What are we supposed to take away from this ...errr... clever play on words? That their staff make salad, but also wank a lot?

If so, hold the mayo Popeye.

Tuesday

Zen 655: The 50 most loathsome Americans

Normally I shy away from yank-bashing polemics, because they're usually stupid, one-sided, arguably racist diatribes by embittered old Trots from either Britain or France, like either of those two nations has a clean sheet when it comes to the ignorance of its citizens, the mendacity of its politicians, the imperialism of its culture or the sheer monolithic stupidity of its government.

But the annual festival of spleen, bile and viciousness that is the Daily Beast's list of 'The 50 Most Loathsome Americans' has a place close to my heart. (American) writer and illustrator Ian Murphy dishes out the satirical arse-kicking with an unparalleled ferocity that knows no fear or favour. Sarah Palin might make a predictable sixth, but Barack Obama nestles in close behind at 14th.

For a British audience, there are going to be a lot of people you've never heard of, but the rampant glee of Murphy's invective should be sufficient to carry you through. Besides, there are a lot of unpleasant bastards on this list that you really should make it your business to know about.

And while we're on the subject, somebody should really do this for the UK. Would be hard to stop at 50.

The Daily Beast: The 50 Most Loathsome Americans 2010 [LINK]

Zen 654: Super bear blows bogus climate change story out of the water, but researchers put it down to climate change anyway

Researchers have monitored a polar bear in the Arctic who swam without a break for nine days straight.

"This bear swam continuously for 232 hours and 687 km and through waters that were 2-6 degrees C," says research zoologist George Durne, a member of the US Geological Survey team who recorded this frankly astonishing display of endurance.

"We are in awe that an animal that spends most of its time on the surface of sea ice could swim constantly for so long in water so cold. It is truly an amazing feat."

You've got to hand it to the bear. She's some kind of huge furry super creature. She's also blown a whopping great hole in the bogus thesis that polar bears are drowning due to retreating sea ice caused by climate change. The bear swam for nine days because she wanted to. Drowning is the last damn thing a polar bear is going to do unless something intervenes to make it drown.

The polar bear is the poster beast of climate change, a status reinforced by the notorious 'drowning' thesis, which was itself a speculative conclusion based on sightings of four carcasses 'presumably, drowned' seen floating in the Alaskan Beaufort Sea during aerial surveys in September 2004.

You could just as easily speculate that these same bears were killed by the enormous storm that preceded the survey. Because, as we now know, these bears can swim forever without any trouble at all.

Even so, the researchers say Super Bear is evidence that these impressive creatures, who are weirdly listed as endangered despite no evidence that they are, are being forced to swim further to hunt seals and are therefore being pushed towards the brink by a warming planet.

Alternatively, they could be said to be showing an excellent adaptation - namely long distance swimming - that they have evolved to deal with exactly this sort of problem. If they've evolved it, it's because sea ice retreats have happened before (and probably often) and this has given the long swimmers a competitive advantage.

So the swimming may well be indicative that the bears are affected by climate change, but it's just as persuasively evidence that sea ice fluctuations are frequent enough occurences to have made their way into the polar bear's DNA.

It's not that I don't believe in climate change. The climate is always changing, ergo, if you don't believe in climate change, you're an idiot. What I don't believe in is fatuous mythologising, orthodoxy and confirmation bias masquerading as good science.

Zen 653: BBC is not about to cut 200 websites, Alt. titled: Lazy journalists, please at least take the time to learn the basics

"The BBC is to cut about 200 websites as it reduces the amount of money it spends on its online output."

So says the BBC website. But this is basically and fundamentally untrue. Not that this is a deliberate deception. It's more a product of ignorance.

That's not to say that Aunty was alone in getting it's own story wrong. Virtually every other news outlet that picked this piece up parroted the same erroneous conclusion. Maybe someone cocked up the press release.

For starters, the BBC doesn't have 400 websites from which to cull half.

What it does have is 400 top level domains (TLDs). That's 400 web addresses of the type www.bbc.co.uk/something. The point here is that you can have many TLDs pointing to the same single website.

To illustrate, take a popular programme like Strictly Come Dancing. Now bbc.co.uk/strictlycomedancing is too long for a marketing URL, but you'll probably create it just to be safe. Then you'll bag bbc.co.uk/strictly and bbc.co.uk/scd and maybe even bbc.co.uk/comedancing just for old time's sake.

Immediately, you have four TLD's pointing at the same website.

So what the BBC is actually saying is that it plans to cut a handful of websites and radically reduce the number if unnecessary marketing TLDs and other chaff clogging up its portfolio.


Zen 652: Can someone please explain this football video to me?

It's not faked. It's not staged. And they are not on the same team, so it can't be a goal celebration that's got a bit out of hand (excuse the pun). So what in god's name is going on here?

Answers on a postcard. Or in the comments section below.


Monday

Zen 651: Lazy Teenage Superheroes

They made this for $300. That is genuinely amazing.

Zen 650: One small boy's art, inspired by Horrible Histories

This powerful image neatly encapsulates the dilemma confronting the Trojan defenders upon discovery of their 'Greek gift'. Here they stand, paused on the cusp of a monumental and fateful decision, suspended in the scintilla of time between victory and defeat, hope and despair, survival and oblivion.

"What shall we do with it!" exclaims one.

" I don't know," replies the other.

This is Troy as metaphor for the dilemma of modern life. We are the Trojans. The Trojans are us. Are we not all as naive and unsuspecting as the ancients, plying a way through a confusing and tumultuous world and wondering what to do with our own gigantic wooden horse?

By Thing One, aged 6.

Friday

Zen 649: All horoscopes are the same - official

David McCandless, the poncey-haired wonk behind the Information Is Beautiful blog and book, has scraped 22,000 online horoscopes and discovered that every horoscope shares 90% of its keywords with every other horoscope.

He's arranged them into word clouds by star sign (see below) to illustrate the point.

Many people talk about what McCandless does like he's the Second Coming. In reality, I think he's just a poncey-haired wonk who occasionally does a clever picture.

The conclusion here? Astrologers a) have limited vocabularies, and b) it's all balls anyway. Quel suprise!



Zen 648: 'Any idiot can drink a beer, it takes a legend to make one' - sign up for the 2011 Beer Challenge

Every year we do a Beer Challenge, with the final held as near as possible to St George's Day. It's a brewing competition for first-timers and other amateurs and has been getting steadily larger each year. You are hereby cordially invited to take part in the 2011 challenge, which we hope will be the biggest yet.

Brewing beer is stupidly easy. It's virtually impossible to cock it up. You just need some basic kit, a bag of ingredients and away you go. Everyone brews the same recipe, with a little latitude for personalisation.

As ever, the final will be judged in a blind tasting by professional brewer and sainted beer guru Hugo Anderson. The Crown in Chertsey has once again kindly agreed to host, with the final taking place on Saturday 23 April - St George's Day - so we can carry on and get epic afterwards.

This year, for the first time, there are three categories to enter:

- Best Recipe Beer (this is the grand prix - click here for the recipe/instructions)
- Best Vintage Beer (for drinkable beers, made by you, that are over a year old)
- Best Freestyle Beer (this is basically like the fun dog show that takes place next to the serious pedigree stuff)

All you need to enter is to email chertseyotter@googlemail.com and tell me you're entering, then turn up on the day with your beer (click here for rules of entry).


To get a feel for the event, have a butcher's at the photos and results from the 2010 and 2009 finals. For the full site, with everything on it, click here: The Chertsey St George's Beer Challenge 2011.

Come on. You know you want to.

Any idiot can drink a beer. It takes a legend to make one.

Zen 648: The British Granny Cloud - how genius is this?

Sugata Mitra is an Indian professor at the University of Newcastle. He's the guy who came up with the idea of putting 'hole in the wall' computers in slums in India. Pretty soon, kids who had no computer skills - in fact no schooling whatsoever - were computer literate and fast developing the ability to school themselves.

Being a chap with a questing mind, Professor Mitra wasn't content to stop there. He reasoned that kids learn better when they have encouragement. And, specifically, they learn better when that encouragement comes from a doting grandmother.

The result is a network of older British ladies who volunteer a certain number of hours a week on Skype to talk to and encourage kids from the poorest neighbourhoods in India.

"They provide that extra 20% boost by admiring them," says Mitra, who comes across as a perpetually smiling, eccentric yet avuncular savant. Which is fortunate, because that's exactly what he is.

But it doesn't stop there. He reckons kids anywhere can gain a positive learning experience from Skyping the Granny Cloud and has extended his work to schools in Gateshead. Today Gateshead and Mubai, tomorrow - the world.

Genius?

INDIAN!

Zen 647: Virtual megadeath

Some interesting stats just in from the massively multiplayer universe of Call of Duty.

Every day, players kill 323 million opponents, 28 million with headshots and 2 million by stabbing them in the back. They use 18,000 tonnes of grenades, masturbate compulsively and have rarely if ever spoken to another human being, let alone a girl one. If faced with real combat, most would pee themselves and hide.

One of the above facts is bogus. Can you guess which one?

A: They actually use 19,000 tonnes of grenades.

Thursday

Zen 646: The Vatican's protection of paedo-priests - apparently we're all just being a bit thick

A couple of days ago, Irish broadcaster RTE produced a letter from the Pope's ambassador to Ireland that many have called the 'smoking gun' that proves the Vatican covered up the extent of child sex abuse in the Catholic Church and protected abusers from prosecution.

The 1997 letter was from then papal nuncio to Ireland, Archbishop Luciano Storero, to the Irish Bishops' Conference. It was a response to the responsible decision by the Irish Church to hand all allegations of clerical sex abuse over to the civil authorities.

In it, Storero says: "In particular, the situation of 'mandatory reporting' gives rise to serious reservations of both a moral and canonical nature." There's some other wibble in there, but it's essentially a warning from a very senior figure not to report abusers to the police.

The Vatican has responded to the fallout by claiming that this wasn't the case at all. You see, the problem is that we're all too dim to see what Storero was really saying.

And what was he really saying?

Apparently, what he was really saying was that the Catholic Church wanted to get those dirty, paedo bastards just as bad as everyone else, only if you did go ahead and report said dirty paedo bastards to the civil authorities it might lay grounds for the dirty paedo bastards to appeal.

"How?" you may ask. Happily, the Vatican provided a handy example, which I'll paraphrase: Going to the police to report some nasty scumbag for buggering children might mean breaking the seal of confession, and that could be pretty embarrassing for a man in a scarlet frock.

And in any case, it wasn't a directive, it was an opinion.

In a way, you can see the Vatican's point. Why would you want to make a big fuss about this letter. Especially when lots of other letters and documents already exist to support the thesis that the Catholic Church consciously and systematically sought to cover up the sexual abuse of children and to protect the abusers from prosecution, often by the simple expedient of moving them on so they could carry on doing it somewhere else. And, further, that it was orchestrated not by shifting underlings, but from the very top.

Here's a good one to kick off with. In September 2001, Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, wrote a letter to French Bishop Pierre Pican. In it he said: "I congratulate you for not denouncing a priest to the civil administration. You have acted well and I am pleased."

And who did this (ahem) man of god refuse to turn in, with such pleasing results? A priest who was eventually sentenced to 18 years for the repeated rape of one boy and sexual assaults on several others.

The Vatican defended that letter as well.

But you should also consider that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (now Pope Benedict) took the same line back in May 2001, when as head of the Congregation - the Vatican's top doctrinal office - he ordered that all allegations of clerical abuse should be reported to his office. Not the police. His office.

So basically, the whole edifice is rotten and the men who made it rotten are still running the show.

Or as Timothy 4:1 puts it: "Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons."

Zen 645: Extreme weather double-bill: canoeing through Brisbane's Maccy D's and multiple pile up car skating in Pittsburgh

The dude's commentary is just ... awesome. Almost as awesome as the guy who thinks he can surf to safety and ends up burying his car in a truck.



This is just surreal. You'll never get that song out of your head again as long as you live.

Zen 644: Amateurs are better than pros, alt entitled: the next time someone says blogging is a waste of time, tell them to stick this in their pipe and smoke it

Fortune magazine has just published a league table of financial analysts. So far so yawn. But wait, something interesting happened. This league table ranked amateur bloggers (who do this kind of thing for love rather than money) against the highly-remunerated industry pros.

Guess who won? Go on, guess. OK, so I put the answer in the headline. The amateurs won.

Fortune looked at predictions for seven key performance indicators for the little known tech colossus Apple. Amateurs (in blue) took nine of the 10 top spots , with an error rate somewhere between a half and a quarter that of the the pros (in red).

You probably found this post duller than an Eastenders omnibus, but I don't care. In your face, sneering old media types. IN YOUR FACE!!!

Wednesday

Zen 643: Want to hear President Lyndon B Johnson ordering pants?

On the day that LBJ gave a presidential press conference covering such weighty topics as the Gulf of Tonkin Incident, the murder of three civil rights workers by the Ku Klux Klan in Mississippi and photographs of the surface of the Moon, he also found time to phone a firm of tailors and order some new pants.

He makes a very specific order, but then you don't get to be president of the United States of America without knowing exactly what you want. And what Johnson wants is plenty of ball-room and a comfortable "bunghole".

Yes, he uses those exact words. History, see. Amazing.


Put This On: LBJ Buys Pants from Put This On on Vimeo.

Zen 642: Shooting on Oxford Street

But everyone was fine. Except the ones who weren't. But seriously, it's just a dumb Twitter rumour. Or is it? Etc.

http://www.exquisitetweets.com/collection/abscond/152

Zen 641: The most amazing species of all - us

Hard on the heels of David Attenborough's epic nature-porn freak-outs, such as Blue Planet and Life, we have Human Planet, and it's about us - undeniably the most incredible species ever.

As you'd expect, the photography is utterly lush (see the trailer below for a flavour). I haven't seen the first one (it went out last Thursday), but the rumours are promising that it's not just a National Geographic-style anthropology slog of the 'amazing indigenous peoples' variety, although I'm sure there's plenty of that too.

Next one's on tomorrow, BBC One, 8pm.


Zen 640: Crikey, that was all a bit heavy - here's some footage of some kitties having a lovely time in Kitteh Heaven

What you have to remember is that no matter how fluffy, cute and pampered a cat may be, each one is a cold-eyed, evolutionarily-perfect killing machine, and you can build it all the crappy cat palaces you want, but it would still rather be out chewing the head off a rat.


Zen 639: When will environmental campaigners realise that histrionic, misanthropic doom-mongering simply doesn't work?

The burgeoning mass of humanity currently populating planet Earth is resource hungry, destructive and polluting. We know this. These are accepted facts.

The debate is over how to manage it and how much it actually matters.

Now, clearly 'do nothing' is both ignorant and ultimately self defeating. If we had adopted this approach from the outset, we'd still be living in caves, worshipping tree spirits and dying in our early twenties from diseases that today don't even qualify you for an afternoon off work.

So much for the simple, 'natural' life.

If Do Nothings populate one end of the spectrum of possible responses, then the other end is strictly the preserve of environmentalist Chicken Lickens, who are forever presaging the sky falling in unless we Do Something Radical And Now.

Since the rise of the environmentalists in the 1970s, we've had panics about overpopulation, global cooling, mass extinctions, natural resources running out, global warming and ...ooh, what's this again? ...yes, it's overpopulation.

In the last week, two major news stories have centred on some study or other determining that we are All Going to Die because there will be Too Many People.

But let's look at the strike rate of each panic in turn. The global famine of the Eighties? Nope. A new ice age by the 1990s? Failed to materialise. Oil and copper running out by 2010? Not even close.

Obviously the jury is still out on the other sort of climate change, but with no appreciable warming for more than a decade, you can see some cracks in the orthodoxy - sorry 'overwhelming consensus' - starting to appear.

My point is that environmental problems get solved by cool, dispassionate analysis of the data and the rigorous application of the scientific method in pursuit of solutions, not by everyone running around in circles and screaming "do something - ANYTHING".

Yes, undoubtedly, we should watch the canaries, but I'd suggest ignoring the ones that keel over before you're even in the coal mine.

Tuesday

Zen 638: Cats in zero gravity

There were sound scientific reasons for putting these cats in a weightless environment (honest) but it's clear that the three aircrew got a lot of yucks out of seeing these moggies completely lose it in mid-air. Don't worry. The cats were fine. Except they died. But they didn't. They lived happily ever after. Apart from the concussion and the post-traumatic stress. Which killed them. I kid. They were alright. Until the crew tossed them out the door at 35,000 feet. Seriously, they didn't. But they did. Etc.



The clip above is from a public relations video released by the Bioastronautics Research Group of the US Aerospace Medical Division. The whole reel is included below. The cats (and later pigeons) were there to study the effect of zero gravity on gravity-dependent reflexes. There's also plenty of human torture going on, with, amongst other things, one guy fired out of the back of C130 in an ejector seat. Thrill as the parachute fails and the 'subject' loses consciousness, only to be redeemed at the last minute by the back-up chute. PR isn't what it used to be. More's the pity.


Zen 637: Ricky Gervais's opening routine at the Golden Globes

There's been quite a lot of negative comment in the press about Gervais's performance as host of this year's Golden Globes. You get a real sense of the atmosphere in the room - stunned disapproval mixed with the hysterical guffaws of people who know they shouldn't be laughing but just can't help themselves. This clip is worth it for the sight of Robert De Niro helplessly wiping tears from his eyes alone.

If you enjoy seeing pompous windbags who are just a touch too full of themselves being horribly mauled by a beardy little fat man from Reading on precisely the evening when everyone is supposed to piping sunshine up their pampered backsides, then you'll probably enjoy this.


Monday

Zen 636: Is it supposed to be stick dudes!?!?

Rice Pirate have voiced and animated a wholly illiterate user-generated game review, in the process turning it into something of a work of art. Why in god's name you'd want to do something like this, I have no idea, but I'm glad they did. Ah yeah. Just beacuase.

Zen 635: 1950s housewife smacked off bonce on acid

Great footage of a volunteer drinking LSD in the name of science. I like to think she went home and burned her twin-set and pearls on the sofa before running off with a motorcycle gang. I'm not sure which is weirder - the professor grooming her at the beginning, or Captain Ahab at the end.

See. Science is fun.



Zen 634: New study says that fall of Roman Empire was due to climate change - I say new study is balls

According to a new study of tree growth rings from Roman era wooden artefacts, we can apparently deduce that times of prosperity coincide with wet, warm summers while times of instability and crisis coincide with changes in the climate.

Can you see what they did here? They drew an analogy between the fall of an ancient civilisation that failed to act and was doomed by a shift in the climate, and modern society which is failing to act and is doomed ... etc, blah.

You get the point.

The study, published in the journal Science, looked at 9,000 wooden artefacts from the past two and a half millennia.

"Looking back on 2,500 years, there are examples where climate change impacted human history," asserts co-author Ulf Buntgen, a 'palaeoclimatologist' at the Swiss Federal Research Institute for Forest, Snow and Landscape.

Except that the data doesn't say that at all. That's what Ulf wants it to say, but he's mixing up correlation and causality, a fallacy even the most callow undergrad should have learned to dismiss by the end if week one.

Then there's the sample. Nine thousand items. That's less than four for every year, assuming an even distribution, which we shouldn't. It's unbelievably, microscopically, insignificantly tiny.

Then there's the problematic dating of wooden artefacts, further complicated by the life story of each individual piece, the type of wood employed in its manufacture, the method of manufacture, the provenance of the wood, the local climatic variation (let's not forget that the Roman Empire was very, very big, stretching from Scotland to Syria and the Rhine to the Sahara) and the location and state of preservation when it was found.

And because this was a meta-analysis, you have to account for variations in technique and competence between thousands of individual research groups.

Even then, there's the period the authors determine as 'in crisis', choosing 250 to 600 AD, presumably because that was the best fit for their data. Only, the Third Century crisis began in the mid-230s, thereby presumably discounting climate as a trigger, and from Diocletian onwards the Empire experienced a long period of stability despite the dicky weather.

And in any case, it's a peculiarly one sided, Roman-centric perspective. One man's crisis is another's opportunity, and while the Roman Empire might have been struggling, it's fair to say the Goths, Vandals, etc were making hay.

So apart from the authors' biases, the ludicrously small sample, the basic failure to understand the history of the period and the multiplicity of confounding factors for the dating, it's a really jolly good study.


Sunday

Zen 633: Aussie party boy deals deftly with hectoring, sanctimonious TV anchor

I enjoyed this clip because in my mind's eye I can see Daily Mail readers up and down the land haemorrhaging at the sheer slacker effrontery. Whatever you think of him, the unrepentant pay off is inspired.



PS I know this clip is older than Jesus, but it's still worth a look.

Friday

Zen 632: The Pope performed a miracle? Did he? But did he really?

Pope John Paul II has achieved the first major step to sainthood after apparently having one of his acts recognised as a thoroughgoing, darn-tooting, honest-to-goodness miracle.

This means he can now be beatified. He only needs one more miracle and he becomes a full blown saint.

Really? In this day and age? Are we honestly saying the little Polish goalkeeper cured a woman of Parkinson's by channelling God?

The last thing I'd do is mock someone else's faith, but come on Catholic Church. If you want to make him a saint, make him a saint because he did natural, honest, mundane good things. Not because of some supernatural hocus pocus you made up for the sake of convenience.

Whatever next? Ratzinger's miracle of turning an uncomfortable fascist past into a principled stand against the horrors of Nazism?

You heard it here first.



Zen 631: That's not a good noise for a man to make

Happily, nobody was there filming it and then distributing it to the world via YouChoob. Oh wait...


Zen 630: You can't be too safe - the pre-shag agreement

Found this document over on Boing Boing. It's from the 1940s, which I believe is back when they used gimlets instead of roofies. Funny how not much changes. Never mind broaching the condom question. Has anyone got a pen?


Zen 629: 'Mein Kampf is my favourite book'

So said Arizona assassin Jared Loughner. In fact, a surprising number of people on the Intertubes are remarkably open about their liking for Adolf Hitler's political manifesto-slash-autobiography-slash-million word ramble.

Mein Kampf is still big business. I lost count of the number of versions commercially available, but they included 'uncensored', 'the official Nazi translation', a light-hearted verse form and Kindle versions.


Now obviously a lot of these are bought by students of 20th century history. I have a copy for the same reason. But lots of them are bought by wannabe Nazis and other common-or-garden varieties of dickhead as well.

Trouble is, people who say it's their favourite book are a) lying, b) haven't read any other books, or c) deranged.

It's a really, really bad book. It's long. It's unstructured. It's incoherent. It's deathly boring for thousands of words at a stretch. It doesn't have any decent jokes. In fact, even if you had no idea who Hitler was, you'd probably come away from his book with a deep seated feeling that you probably wouldn't get on.

I think lots of dickheads like the idea of liking Mein Kampf, but in the final analysis I'm betting they haven't read all of it and won't be able to recall a single memorable quote.

Interestingly, Loughner's favourite books also included the Communist Manifesto, a considerably better written, shorter and more engaging book. More's the pity, since it falls firmly into the same category of dangerously stupid ideas.

In fact, where Hitler relied on personal charisma to convert people to his awful cause, the Communist Manifesto uses the charisma of its ideas. This has given it unimaginable and enduring power, and in the great run of history has arguably led to it matching or exceeding Hitler for the horrors committed in its name.

Thursday

Zen 628: 'Cause you know sometimes words have no meaning...

What Led Zep actually sang was "words have two meanings", which the Doug Anthony Allstars notably illustrated with the words 'hump', 'shag', 'root' and 'pork'.

What kind of whack job would say words had no meaning? Perhaps the sort of inadequate sociopath who'd shoot his congresswoman in the head and kill six other people, including a nine year old girl.

Jared Loughner believed all sorts of kooky things. He was an absolute soak for the sort of credulous, wide-eyed, drooling conspiracy theorising that most people with two brain cells to rub together would dismiss out of hand.

He believed in lucid dreaming, the state of being able to sustain and live in an alternate dream world. Well done numbnuts, you're there. It's called spending what's left of your disappointing and meaningless life wearing an orange jumpsuit. Whoop-de-do.

He also believed that language doesn't mean anything, which in turn means that words like law and government don't mean anything, so you don't have to obey them.

Happily the concepts continue, even if the words are in doubt, which is why he's probably on a one way ticket to an armful of horse death bought from some bloke with an office over a betting shop in Acton.

I digress.

The question that Loughner asked Gabrielle Giffords back in 2007 was: "What is government if words have no meaning?"

It's a ridiculous question and she rightly ignored it. But Loughner resented the snub and came back years later to shoot her for it. Probably.

Anyway, my point is that America is currently tearing itself to bits over "violent rhetoric" as a trigger for the shooting.

He didn't have a political affiliation. He didn't believe in the power of language. Is it therefore likely he was inspired by political rhetoric, violent or otherwise. No.

Like JFK, everyone seems to want a rational explanation for the actions of a bad, stupid man with some very silly ideas. There isn't one. Stop looking. Put him away forever. Rebuild.

Zen 627: Skier does ultimate faceplant

This is funny. Except the guy died. But he didn't really. Only he did. From massive internal bleeding. Although actually he was fine. But he wasn't. Seriously though, he pulled through. But died. But didn't. Because they gave him emergency surgery to pull his head out of his arse. Etc.



Via Seany Bawny.

Zen 626: Truly epoch-making science story greeted globally with 'meh'

Astronomers have discovered the first rocky planet outside of our solar system. Kepler 10b is about 1.5 times the diameter of Earth and about 5 times as massive.

It orbits a star 560 light years away and was identified using the 'transit' technique. That is, astronomers look for variations in the light from star that correspond with the mass and size of a planet passing across (transiting) its 'face', relative to us. The radius of the planet is relative to the amount of light it blocks.

That's all really, really, fiendishly clever stuff, especially given that we only identified our first exoplanet (a planet from outside our solar system - one of them foreign planets) in the late 1990s. Since then we've found lots of gas giants and the like, but that's about it.

The discovery of Kepler 10b (so-called because it was found by NASA's Kepler Mission) has been hailed as "among the most profound in human history". For the first time, we have definitive proof that rocky, potentially life-bearing Earth type planets exist elsewhere.

OK, so Kepler 10b is too close to its star and has a surface temperature that reaches 2,500°F during the day, but that doesn't matter. This is massive news. Hugely important. A staggering testament to the power of science and the immense complexity and wonder of the universe.

Trouble is, we've seen better on Star Trek. Ho hum.


NASA's Kepler Mission Discovers Its First Rocky Planet [LINK]

Wednesday

Zen 625: Fish fight! Join the campaign to stop fish discards

It's reckoned that a million tonnes of dead fish are chucked over the side of the European fishing fleet every year. There's nothing wrong with the fish. It's the Common Fisheries Policy that is knackered.

Only bureaucrats could have dreamed up the Byzantine and Kafkaesque EU regulations that mandate a fixed catch size and require that any excess is 'discarded' overboard. Its a practice that monstrously stupid, grotesquely wasteful and indefensibly immoral.

Happily, wavy-haired placenta-eating TV wonk Hugh Fearley Whittingstall is on the case, leading a campaign to get the regulations overturned and replaced with something approaching sanity. I'm no beardy tree-hugging ecowanker, but this is truly insane and needs to be stopped.

For some bloodcurdling/boiling visuals, watch the clip. Otherwise, get yourself over to the Fish Fight website and sign the petition, then lobby your MP to support the Early Day Motion that Zac Goldsmith has put before Parliament.


Zen 624: It might be a game played by big girl's blouses in body armour, but this is one hell of a run

Marshawn Lynch is a running back with the Seattle Seahawks. They were playing the NFL champions, the New Orleans Saints. Everything was going according to plan for the Saints when this happened. Good wheels, fellah.



And here's the 8-bit remix. Strictly only for people who once had a Commodore 64. And like American Kissball.


Zen 623: Very cool 'rockstar scientist' posters

Created by Megan Lee Katauskas and available from Etsy.com. Of course, when I say 'very cool', I'm taking the ubergeek perspective.


Zen 622: Teacher sacked for taking kids sledging, despite the fact that it was a reasonable thing to do and no-one got hurt

Design teacher Richard Tremelling said he took the sledge in to Cefn Hengoed Community School, Swansea, in February 2009 as an example of "classic design".

The school took action after he allowed two lads to ride the sledge without first writing to the board of governors to request a risk assessment.

Mr Tremelling said he thought it was unnecessary.

"I did not go sledding on a cheap Asda £10 sledge ... I went on a Scandinavian classic design sledge which has built-in safety features, and also a brake."

What I would be most concerned about here, if my kids were at Cefn Hengoed Community School in Swansea, is not the unprecedentedly dangerous and insane act of letting two boys travel down a snowy hill on a conveyance designed expressly for that purpose, in a manner proven by centuries of trial and error to be almost entirely safe and reasonable, but that my kids' school is run by colossal dicks.






Tuesday

Zen 621: The evolution of the batmobile

Ha ha! Mega graphic geek out!

Batmobile History

Zen 620: Band of Brothers' Major Richard Winters and 'Leadership at the point of a bayonet'

Major Dick Winters, immortalised in the rather brilliant HBO series Band of Brothers, has died aged 92.

His European war is basically a catalogue of every major action from Normandy onwards. He fought with the US 101st Airborne Division from D-Day into Germany via Operation Market Garden and the Battle of the Bulge.

He was so good that the assault he led on German guns at Brécourt Manor to relieve American troops pinned down on Utah Beach is still taught at the West Point military academy "as an example of a textbook assault on a fixed position". But he is remembered as much for the care he took over the welfare of his men as for his combat leadership.

In the great roll of bally war heroes, Winters goes all the way up to eleven.

And while hunting around for some background, I found his 'Ten Principles for Success' entitled 'Leadership at the Point of the Bayonet', which is just utterly brilliant.

1. Strive to be a leader of character, competence, and courage.

2. Lead from the front. Say, “Follow me!” and then lead the way.

3. Stay in top physical shape - physical stamina is the root of mental toughness.

4. Develop your team. If you know your people, are fair in setting realistic goals and expectations, and lead by example, you will develop teamwork.

5. Delegate responsibility to your subordinates and let them do their job. You can’t do a good job if you don’t have a chance to use your imagination and creativity.

6. Anticipate problems and prepare to overcome obstacles. Don’t wait until you get to the top of the ridge and then make up your mind.

7. Remain humble. Don’t worry about who receives the credit. Never let power or authority go to your head.

8. Take a moment of self-reflection. Look at yourself in the mirror every night and ask yourself if you did your best.

9. True satisfaction comes from getting the job done. They key to a successful leader is to earn respect - not because of rank or position, but because you are a leader of character.

10. Hang Tough! Never, ever, give up.




Zen 619: Cars being washed away in Queensland

Check out the dude who casually lets the air out of the tyres of his truck before doing the mirror-signal-manoeuvre and driving away in the nick of time.


UPDATED: Zen 618: Hooray for the Berlin Wall shoot-to-kill game! - or why games should have moral consequences

OK, that's a qualified 'hooray' because I haven't actually played the game, but if the sane and balanced stuff I've read about it is true, then 'hooray!'.

'1378km' is a computer game in which you can play either an escapee from East to West, or a border guard. If you're a border guard you can capture the escapees, let them pass, join them or kill them.

So far, so tasteless. The premise doesn't sound good and lots of people - mainly newspapers and people whipped into a fury of righteous indignation by the papers - have condemned it out of hand.

But a closer examination of the facts (admittedly not a major priority for most tabloid feeding frenzies) reveals that the shoot-to-kill option has moral consequences.

As time passes and gameplay progresses past the fall of the wall and on to unification, the gamers who chose to be border guards and also chose to kill find themselves in court, facing charges. So while killing might score you points when the East German regime is in its pomp during the 1970s, ultimately it comes back to haunt and hurt you.

I'm a big fan of moral consequences in gaming. Very few games where inflicting death is a part of the mechanism deal with any moral calculation more complex than killing or being killed.

If games are to move beyond basic blockbuster entertainment and develop into a more rounded medium, the best examples of which can be categorised as 'art', they need to reflect and comment on the things that make us human.

At the moment, killing games have all the depth and emotional complexity of Rambo III. What I want to know is: where's our Apocalypse Now? (Now there's a thought - can you imagine that as a gaming experience? The horror, the horror...)

I suspect that 1378km doesn't suffer from brilliant dialogue or thoughtful scripting, and there's nothing quite as offensive as traumatic events within living memory being replayed as bad soap opera.

Nonetheless, the makers ought to be applauded for confronting real living people with the choices that other real living people had to make.

As the developer, Jens Stober, puts it: "In this computer game - which would not be the case in, for example, a documentary film - I personally have the control over my behavior and my reactions, which take place in real time and in changing situations. The game 1378 km does not force someone playing the 'border soldiers' to shoot the 'refugees'. Players are left with the freedom of choice. You are only able to win 1378(km) when you do not shoot."

I guess the really uncomfortable thing is that those in the game environment will undoubtedly just retread the same mistakes those in the real world made, except this time around nobody actually gets killed.


Monday

UPDATED UPDATE: Zen 617: Unknown striker in with a shout of winning goal of the year

Updated update: Sorry, apparently Messi won the Golden Snood for best player. Turkey's Hamit Altintop won best goal for slotting one against Borat and chums. FIFA are still dicks.

Update: Messi won. Yawn. At least the Russians didn't buy this one. FIFA are dicks.

**********

Matty Burrows is a striker with Glentoran in the distinctly unglamourous Northern Ireland Premiership. No one outside of Glentoran would have heard of Matty, but for an audacious bit of footwork against Portadown at the start of the season.

Not only did he score an astonishingly perfect goal, but he bagged it in the 92nd minute of the match to secure the win. Of such things legends are made, and it's only gone and got him nominated for the Ballon d’Or Puskás Award, otherwise known as the 2010 Fifa Goal of the Year.

At the ceremony in Zurich, Matty lines up against the likes of Lionel Messi, Arjen Robben and Giovanni Van Bronkhorst for the coveted gong (presumably some sort of 24 carat snood). No one seems to be quite sure, but it may be the first time anyone from the Northern Ireland Premiership has waited on tables at the event, let alone attended as one of the actual nominees.

As if to underline this, his club website seems to have an endearingly Father Ted-ish obsession with the glamorous travel and accommodation on offer: "Travelling first class and staying five star there is no doubt this will be the trip of a lifetime ...He will be collected at his hotel by limousine and when he arrives at the gala he will get the red carpet treatment before making his way into the event." Bless.

I'm not a massive fan of kissball, but good luck fellah. Northern Ireland could do with something to cheer it up.



Zen 616: Puzzling anti-Assange graffiti #wikileaks

Spotted in a toilet on South West Trains. Not only is Julian Assange a peculiar subject for trainborne graffiti, which more usually limits itself to explaining why Darren is gay and Kelly is a slag, but it's hard to pigeonhole him as a Nazi. A wildly egomaniacal tosser, yes, but not a Nazi.

Must have been an ex-girlfriend.





Zen 616: China signals the end of the massed death charge

China's approach to war has traditionally been lots and lots of people. You don't even need to train them that well, you just need to make sure you can get them to charge into the enemy guns in overwhelming numbers and hope enough survive to pick up the rifles of the bloke in front and overrun the enemy position.

Now it seems China has switched focus, in keeping with its status as the new up and coming superpower on the block, and begun to develop some weapons that are a bit smarter than massed death charges and nuclear bombs.

Consider this. China currently doesn't have a single aircraft carrier. Not one. And for a country of more than a billion people that likes to chuck its weight around regionally, this does seem to be a gratuitous oversight. Rumour is that they've finally commissioned one, but these things take a long time to build and even longer to operate successfully. The United States' position as undisputed heavyweight champion of the world's oceans isn't in any danger of being compromised soon.

Unless.

Unless China does two things. One, develop an aircraft that can hit you without the you seeing them. Two, develop a single missile big enough to sink an aircraft carrier from a long way away. It appears China is doing both of these things, and US naval intelligence is finding it all quite upsetting.

The carrier killer is the CSS-5 missile (pictured) which analysts think has been tested but don't actually know if it can hit anything yet (launching a missile and guiding it to its target being two distinct and fiendishly difficult things to do). Then there's the J-20 stealth aircraft, grainy images of which 'leaked' onto the internet a short while back. See below for said grainy images, accompanied by madly revolutionary music. Again, no notion of its capabilities, but food for thought all the same.

Zen 615: Why can't we walk straight?

The upshot of this lovely animation is that we don't really know yet, but it's diverting nonetheless. Excuse the pun.


A Mystery: Why Can't We Walk Straight? from NPR on Vimeo.

Uzi - this one's for you big fellah!

Zen 614: WTF Kitteh - the most dramatic LOLcat in the world EVAH

Tell me I'm wrong.


Friday

Zen 613: Ted Williams and the true power of the Interweb

From broke and homeless to countless job offers, a house, a haircut and an emotional reunion with the mother he hasn't seen for twenty years. And all in just 48 hours. That's the power of the interweb right there.

Unless you've been waiting in for calls with Gary Glitter's booking agent, you can't possibly have missed the 'Man with the Golden Voice' story that broke yesterday and catapulted Ted Williams from begging dollars on an Ohio roadside to international stardom.

Williams was holding a sign that read "I have a god given gift of voice. I am an ex-radio presenter fallen on hard times. Please! Any help will be greatfully (sic) appreciated" when 'videographer' Doral Chenoweth III from the Columbus Dispatch newspaper decided to check him out. The video of the encounter found its way onto You Tube and went hyperviral, accumulating 13 million views to date.

This guy might look like Sammy Davis Junior's crack-addled older brother, but he does have a genuinely astonishing voice. He's apparently been clean for two years, and good luck to him. That said, I reckon with the all the attention he's getting it will be a miracle if he isn't snorting crystal meth and bourbon out of a hooker's cleavage by this time next week.



And here's the emotional reunion with mommy. When I say emotional, I mean weird.

Zen 612: Michael Caine does Michael Caine

"I sound like a bloody idiot."


Zen 611: Recycled Star Trek gag

If you laughed at this, you are a geek.



Zen 610: 'Put the Beer away, put the champagne on ice' - the moment England won the series

This is the only You Tube clip I can find, and you can probably expect Sky to get this taken down by the end of the day. Either way, here's Michael Beer, chopping onto his own stumps off Chris Tremlett to hand England a series victory and a 3-1 home defeat for the Aussies for the first time since Viv Richards and the Windies took them apart in 1988-89.

Here are some other stats. The Adelaide Test was the first time Australia had lost by an innings at home for exactly 100 Tests, when Curtly Ambrose put it up them in 1993. I can't find an instance of them losing three Tests at home by more than an innings. Except for this one, obviously, which begs the question - are you Scotland in disguise? Mind you, England will have a long way to go to break the record for their heaviest defeat of Australia - apparently an innings and 579 runs at The Oval in August 1938. Really!?!?

One more stat, and possibly my favourite given the good grace Punter Ponting has conducted himself with throughout the series: Aussie tailender Peter Siddle finished the series with a better average than either of his captains - Ponting or Michael Clarke. As Michael Vaughan put it on Test Match Special: "What do you call a world class Australian cricketer? Retired."

Victory is sweet, but when it comes to the Aussies, the gloating is sweeter.



You have to love this video. It's a manky rip off the TV, but because it was an HD TV, the guy has posted it with the HD label on You Tube. Good hands.

Thursday

Zen 609: The study that sparked the MMR scare is found to be a deliberate fraud

The British Medical Journal has just published an investigation into the 1998 Lancet paper by 'doctor' Andrew Wakefield in which it concludes that the paper wasn't just misguided or full of mistakes - it was deliberately and premeditatedly fraudulent.

It was long suspected that Wakefield (pictured with deluded supporters - stifle uncomfy science indeed) was a massive douchebag with the morals of a louse, and the General Medical Council confirmed it last year when it ruled that he had been dishonest and irresponsible, carrying out his research with "callous disregard" for the children involved.

Journalist Brian Deer's rather brilliant and detailed demolition of Wakefield's paper and what remains of his tattered reputation, entitled 'How the case against the MMR vaccine was fixed', forensically turns the gaff over and tips out the draws. As the BMJ editorial puts it:

"Who perpetrated this fraud? There is no doubt that it was Wakefield. Is it possible that he was wrong, but not dishonest: that he was so incompetent that he was unable to fairly describe the project, or to report even one of the 12 children’s cases accurately? No."

And just in case you weren't already completely convinced that Wakefield is a dangerously irresponsible twat who is indirectly responsible for the deaths of unvaccinated children, here are Deer's conclusions in full:

How the link was fixed

The Lancet paper was a case series of 12 child patients; it reported a proposed “new syndrome” of enterocolitis and regressive autism and associated this with MMR as an “apparent precipitating event.” But in fact:
  • Three of nine children reported with regressive autism did not have autism diagnosed at all. Only one child clearly had regressive autism
  • Despite the paper claiming that all 12 children were “previously normal,” five had documented pre-existing developmental concerns
  • Some children were reported to have experienced first behavioural symptoms within days of MMR, but the records documented these as starting some months after vaccination
  • In nine cases, unremarkable colonic histopathology results—noting no or minimal fluctuations in inflammatory cell populations—were changed after a medical school “research review” to “non-specific colitis”
  • The parents of eight children were reported as blaming MMR, but 11 families made this allegation at the hospital. The exclusion of three allegations—all giving times to onset of problems in months—helped to create the appearance of a 14 day temporal link
  • Patients were recruited through anti-MMR campaigners, and the study was commissioned and funded for planned litigation
Full story: 'How the case against the MMR vaccine was fixed' [LINK]
Zen 55: Discredited MMR quack gets further discrediting [LINK]


Zen 608: Peer-reviewed hip hop with Baba Brinkman

The idea of rapping science sounded a bit "trendy vicar" to me, but I've been converted. This guy, Baba Brinkman, was approached in 2009 to write some raps celebrating the major Darwin anniversaries that year, and since then has picked up the ball and run with it all the way through the intellectual end zone and out the other side, like some verbally hyperdexterous Forrest Gump.

The result is the 'Rap Guide to Evolution', of which the clip below 'Performance, Feedback, Revision' is a fine example. Brinkman performed it live in front of a stunned science crowd at the Hammersmith Apollo last year. This hard on the heels of winning the Fringe First Award for outstanding new writing at the Edinburgh Festival.

And get this. His videos were funded by the Wellcome Trust, which is awesome for him and wins top creative thinking marks for them. There's even a deft incest gag. Judging by the close up, he has a point.

Zen 607: Bear in the air

Or should that be Bear Traffic Control? Or maybe Bearial? Or maybe he's a member of the Air Bear Bunch? The possibilities are endless.

Anyway, the bear was fine. Except he died. But he didn't. Seriously. He was OK. Except for the huge internal injuries. From which he died. I kid. He was perfectly OK. Other than dying. Which he didn't. Etc.


Zen 606: The impossible free throw

There's been a glitch in the Matrix. Take the red pill. The RED pill.


Zen 605: Starbucks Coffee rebrands by dropping the words 'Starbucks' and 'coffee' from its logo

Starbucks said: "What is really important here is an evolutionary refinement of the logo, which is a mirror image of the strategy."

Leading brand consultants were a touch more succinct.

"I think it's nuts," said James Gregory, CEO of Core Brand.

"What's it going to be - the coffee formerly known as Starbucks?"

All that's left is the weird two-tailed mermaid thing. This, apparently, is meant to signal to the world that the leading purveyors of lukewarm beverages are ready to move 'beyond coffee', in much the same way as British Petroleum rebranded as BP to move 'beyond petroleum', but sadly not 'beyond parody'.

It also follows hard on the heels of Gap's disastrous rebrand, dropping their iconic blue box for a Helvetica clip art monstrosity last October. Happily they had the good sense to listen to the punters and switch back.

With Starbucks it's hard to care, but entertaining nonetheless to watch massive corporations disappearing up their own wazoos in pursuit of stupid ideas.

Tuesday

Zen 604: The Stop Swearing Challenge - times when it's difficult not to swear

As mentioned in an earlier post, I've committed to not swearing for 2011 due to a stupid bet I made on New Year's Eve. I'm doing OK, but there have been lapses.

FYI, here are the top occasions I've found swearing is most likely to occur:

- When things hurt
- When dealing with budget airlines
- When talking about Nazis
- When talking about estate agents
- When around other people who swear a lot
- When around people in front of whom you really shouldn't swear at all
- When you've just written a blog post and Blogpress loses it (just added).




Zen 603: It's a dog's life needs a rethink

This strikes me as one of the most counterintuitive phrases still in use in the English language.

Originally used to draw comparison with the relentless graft of the working hound, 'a dog's life' should now properly mean "focus of unconditional affection, occasionally forced to wear hats".





Saturday

Zen 602: The Stop Swearing Challenge

So on New Year's Eve I thought it would be entertaining to get everyone to write down two challenges for 2011 - one sensible and one ridiculous - then draw them at random.

Like improvising a homemade banana liqueur or building a scale model of the Hindenberg out of newspaper and white spirit, this seemed like a good idea at the time.

As a consequence, I'm not swearing for 2011. I've so far lasted 12 hours, which isn't too bad going but for the fact that I've been asleep for eight of them and the other four have been a real ...err... dashed struggle.

Bother.

Still, at least I don't have to cook a peacock.